手脫皮了
剛才看了最喜歡的美劇之一Modern Family其中一集
第三次看了，每次看到這集還是眼眶會不自主地偷偷泛淚
一開始是Alex16歲生日，在美國16歲生日是一件大事
很多女生都會大肆地開party來昭告天下跟慶祝的
但是Alex擔心SAT考試，連家人來幫他慶生，都只是出來吹個蠟燭就回去讀書了
這裡讓我想到以前國高中的生活
我的國高中生活也差不多是如此的，連吹個頭髮都覺得浪費了時間
可以多算個一兩題數學
隔天早上Alex受不了，決定去看心理醫生(她好厲害，還知道要自救)
跟心理醫生的對話字字句句打中我心
一開始心理醫生也是用打邊鍋的方式是著找出Alex心理脆弱的地方，找出癥結點
後來醫生問到了Alex的家庭
對話是這樣的
A: I was in a spelling competition. i just feel that I have the responsibility to win it. I just felt the weight on my shoulders. Like if i lost, I ......I don't know, I just have to win.
D: Then where does the responsibility comes from?
A: I don't know. It just.... there.
D: So it's the intrapersonal pressure.
A: I guess so.
A: I mean, once you start overreaching, people starts to expect things from you.
D: Like what people?
A: You know, the world... parents, school, friends, teachers, other kids or so. It's not all internal. Don't get me wrong, I like the way I'm wired.
A: It's what gets me to good school, that makes me who I am.
D; And how is that? Being who you are?
A: I don't know, mostly good, a little exhausting, sometimes hard. I guess that's your answer, it's hard being me.
D: Tell me a little more about your family
A: They're quiet normal, I guess. I'm not like any of them, but that doesn't bother me.
D: Ever?
A: only when they say "Alex, you need to take a relax...Alex, have fun..."
D: So your siblings, they don't experience the same pressure like you. What do you feel about? You all grow up in the same family, with the same parents, yet you are....who feels the enormous pressure to achieve such high level.
Al Why do we talk about my family? They have nothing to do about this. They don't get me.
D: How's that feel?
A: I don't know.
D: You are a smart girl, try harder.
A:........Kind of alone.
這段我看到眼睛都泛淚，但是我不知道為甚麼我會泛淚
我記得以前很努力在念書的時候，我明明知道自己資質不夠好，但是還是很努力地拼命鑽
一直鑽下去，我一直相信我努力就可以做到我要的事情
因為我的腦袋沒有空間想像我沒有達標的樣子
也不敢想像
那時候的我一直覺得我沒什麼壓力，因為周遭的人也差不多是如此的
我沒有任何娛樂，連出去慢跑都不敢收操，覺得浪費時間
也很少思考其他的事情，完全學科至上
我一直覺得沒什麼壓力感
但是我知道我知道每次大考的時候，我的手指會莫名的脫皮，或是長奇怪的東西
那時候我看著我的手心裡想說，阿原來我還是正常人
我還是有壓力的
雖然我感受不知道這就是壓力
慢性自殺就是如此吧
後來Alex的媽媽參加學校的ope house，知道Alex 每天在學校要經歷這麼多的考驗，生活是這麼多的壓力後
在門診的門口跟他說
I don't know you have so much pressure. Honey, I was just you for 2 hours, I can't barely hold it together. I don't how you don't melt down every day, I---
然後Alex就邊哭邊抱著她媽媽
我看到這裡的時候不知道為甚麼的也覺得很想哭
我想那種壓力一直都在吧， internal pressure
你永遠不會知道自己擁有的壓力
回頭過去看，我很感謝當時的自己
感謝當時自己願意付出這麼大的努力，只為了更好的自己
現在的我仍然會選擇這麼做，但是我知道要開始學會調適自己了
小心點，手別再脫皮了
也永遠要記得很努力的10幾歲的自己
第三次看了，每次看到這集還是眼眶會不自主地偷偷泛淚
一開始是Alex16歲生日，在美國16歲生日是一件大事
很多女生都會大肆地開party來昭告天下跟慶祝的
但是Alex擔心SAT考試，連家人來幫他慶生，都只是出來吹個蠟燭就回去讀書了
這裡讓我想到以前國高中的生活
我的國高中生活也差不多是如此的，連吹個頭髮都覺得浪費了時間
可以多算個一兩題數學
隔天早上Alex受不了，決定去看心理醫生(她好厲害，還知道要自救)
跟心理醫生的對話字字句句打中我心
一開始心理醫生也是用打邊鍋的方式是著找出Alex心理脆弱的地方，找出癥結點
後來醫生問到了Alex的家庭
對話是這樣的
A: I was in a spelling competition. i just feel that I have the responsibility to win it. I just felt the weight on my shoulders. Like if i lost, I ......I don't know, I just have to win.
D: Then where does the responsibility comes from?
A: I don't know. It just.... there.
D: So it's the intrapersonal pressure.
A: I guess so.
A: I mean, once you start overreaching, people starts to expect things from you.
D: Like what people?
A: You know, the world... parents, school, friends, teachers, other kids or so. It's not all internal. Don't get me wrong, I like the way I'm wired.
A: It's what gets me to good school, that makes me who I am.
D; And how is that? Being who you are?
A: I don't know, mostly good, a little exhausting, sometimes hard. I guess that's your answer, it's hard being me.
D: Tell me a little more about your family
A: They're quiet normal, I guess. I'm not like any of them, but that doesn't bother me.
D: Ever?
A: only when they say "Alex, you need to take a relax...Alex, have fun..."
D: So your siblings, they don't experience the same pressure like you. What do you feel about? You all grow up in the same family, with the same parents, yet you are....who feels the enormous pressure to achieve such high level.
Al Why do we talk about my family? They have nothing to do about this. They don't get me.
D: How's that feel?
A: I don't know.
D: You are a smart girl, try harder.
A:........Kind of alone.
這段我看到眼睛都泛淚，但是我不知道為甚麼我會泛淚
我記得以前很努力在念書的時候，我明明知道自己資質不夠好，但是還是很努力地拼命鑽
一直鑽下去，我一直相信我努力就可以做到我要的事情
因為我的腦袋沒有空間想像我沒有達標的樣子
也不敢想像
那時候的我一直覺得我沒什麼壓力，因為周遭的人也差不多是如此的
我沒有任何娛樂，連出去慢跑都不敢收操，覺得浪費時間
也很少思考其他的事情，完全學科至上
我一直覺得沒什麼壓力感
但是我知道我知道每次大考的時候，我的手指會莫名的脫皮，或是長奇怪的東西
那時候我看著我的手心裡想說，阿原來我還是正常人
我還是有壓力的
雖然我感受不知道這就是壓力
慢性自殺就是如此吧
後來Alex的媽媽參加學校的ope house，知道Alex 每天在學校要經歷這麼多的考驗，生活是這麼多的壓力後
在門診的門口跟他說
I don't know you have so much pressure. Honey, I was just you for 2 hours, I can't barely hold it together. I don't how you don't melt down every day, I---
然後Alex就邊哭邊抱著她媽媽
我看到這裡的時候不知道為甚麼的也覺得很想哭
我想那種壓力一直都在吧， internal pressure
你永遠不會知道自己擁有的壓力
回頭過去看，我很感謝當時的自己
感謝當時自己願意付出這麼大的努力，只為了更好的自己
現在的我仍然會選擇這麼做，但是我知道要開始學會調適自己了
小心點，手別再脫皮了
也永遠要記得很努力的10幾歲的自己
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